Let go..(some advice i need to take from myself)

In my first year at Spelman I took on emotional repression as a topic for a research paper in my English class. I voiced how women can benefit from repressing some of their emotions and I used a plethora of examples to defend my point. Now, as a rising junior and with a little bit more love/life experience I say eff that!! Women have gone through too much for us to suppress anything. I rephrase Black Women have gone through too much for us to repress anything. I do not mean to disregard the struggle of all women because yes it has definitely been a challenging run to get to where they r today (although we still aren't far along enough yet being that there are more women graduating from college and still men's salary average higher...but thts another story) But as a black woman that can understand the struggle not just through personal experience but that of our ancestors I say SPEAK UP!! In our culture black women have been labeled as bitter, fussy, ghetto, loud, overly emotional. etc. So being the type of person that I am I thought it better to stay away from these stereotypes and be a little more nonchalant..(the label to my blog) So now with years of practice, I have developed into that woman. And I must say although it had its benefits I lost sight of some things because I used logic for almost every major decision i ever mad in life and buried my valid emotions in one called pride. So what has it done for me you might ask?...well...it has definitely made me appear "different"..u know the girl thts not like the others...the girl that can play the game without even seeming like it cuz it looks like she doesn't care...well i began to think i don't care...i mean when you start to serve as a peer counselor to your friends that have been hurt and played countless times your walls only become thicker and your skills to escape the hurt become more advanced..but think about it..how dare we allow black men to subjugate our downfall when they should really be our support systems?...some food for thought don't wanna get too detailed

an old blog..tht i didn't finish..and ima just post it

NOT FOR ME



this is the conclusion i came to today sitting in the passengers seat of his car listening to slow songs aimed towards our relationship. i fell asleep out of boredom and to pass time and to escape the awkward feeling that would consume me. But when I woke up i started to pay attention to the lyrics...woah..is he really gonna cry if i decide to leave??? i felt the guilt rushing through my body causing a puking sensation..

God is always there STOP Ignoring Him..(another blog i didn't finish)

God has been talking to me so much lately

Directly and through other people, those in my everday life and random people

And now that I'm accepting him into my life and not doubting the signs..I am learning so much

10% of our brain

I sometimes wonder y i'm soo obsessed with presentation...
and then i did a quick reevaluation of my life
It starts within my own family and the media doesnt make this issue any better

So yesterday was my sister's graduation celebration..she decided to have it at The Cheesecake Factory in Marina Del Rey...we were super pumped 4 the family function lol..but as we sat amongst family friends, cousins, aunts and the 1 and only mamie I started to feel sick to my stomach....OMG my family is SOOO FAKE...ugh...we don't share a genuine love 4 eachother outside the fact tht were family. But what we have learned to do is give off this facade that we are that close by attending events with one another and in a way remaining on our toes competitively because none of us possess a real level of comfort around eachother...

I don't wanna go hard on my grandma cuz its mamie and I accept her extremely shallow ways lol...you gotta love her she keeps it real all day...but then again shes eighty somethin years old shes allowed to and i would never wanna change her...but dang I know her ways have definitely rubbed off on all of us a little. sheeeesh we do not connect emotionally...if u bring a new girlfriend to the family she better be bomb with a cute physique...if u havent seen the fam in over year u better hav dropped some pounds...tell me this jus sounds sad..so imagine if you're tht one in the family tht decided to do somethin a lil out of the norm..u kno like leave the country with ur soulmate 4 a lil, die ur hair and get a few tattoos...

hmm so basically i jus described my cousin...when she walked into the Cheesecake Factory yesterday for my sis's celebration you woulda expected to see some smiles and hugs...somethin...but NOOOOO tht was not the case...what i witnessed was some awkard expressions, fake smiles and lots of whispering....i felt soo bad for her ....ugh so judgemental

kk i went a lil too detailed into this story but bak to my original question....Why am I sooo obsessed with presentation? I think i jus provided the cause of this disease by looking in my own backyard. Minus my immediate fam (mom and sis) kinda sad tht i hav to include my bros into this madness but this is what it is....If i look bomb my life must be bomb...so im constantly thinking about what can make me prettier, more desirable and im putting these boys through hell with my undecisive, neurotic behavior never wanting to settle 4 less...but im judging less by the wrong factors....y because of my obsession with presentation

i'll express it

hmmm...so my cousin texted me the other day...concerned about how the youth in our fam is all caught up in some type of frenzy...i know he was referring to the decisions a lot of us have made in the past year and how we have grown apart. He then followed this text with another message, disregarding his concerns and in a way implying that God will take care of it and everything is perfect as is.

......But instead of appreciating this text from my older, mature, recently college graduated cuz..i WAS SOOO OFFENDED..idk y i felt as though he was judging my life like if i'm not doing my own set of big things...I go to Spelman, I'm working full time this summer, I'm interning, I drive..I this I that......GROSS....listen to myself..y am I bragging...y am i sooo caught up in my own life...i then realized...THT IS MY SHIELD!!!

Everybody has their own shield hiding from responsibility, relationships, emotion and most importantly God......but what would life be without these factors??...frankly it would be meaningless and lonely. It takes leadership and courage to prioritize your life in a way that puts others before yourself. Maybe if I step out of this self absorbed exterior and expand on who I am and how I can positively contribute to the lives of others I wont find myself SOO OFFENDED.

There was a reason for his concern, he knows my potential...and not even jus that..i know my potential....Y put blood and tears into what wont matter in eternity......ima strip myself of this shield..i really am